Monday, November 16, 2015
Nothing Funny About A War Breaking Out.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Humor in Uniform
General -"Hello, Corporal I need an immediate count of any and all Vehicles in the motorcade at this time."
Corporal-"Well, There are currently 3 tanks, 5 armored transports, 8 jeeps, and 1 big black Cadillac that belongs to Fat Ass General Brown."
General- Corporal!, This is General Brown!"
Corporal- Sir, Yes Sir! Do you know who this is?"
General-No Corporal, I do not.
Corporal- Well bye bye Fat Ass.
Because if you can't laugh, then you cry and cry and wonder why. Happy Veterans Day to all who have served and sacrificed.
Corporal-"Well, There are currently 3 tanks, 5 armored transports, 8 jeeps, and 1 big black Cadillac that belongs to Fat Ass General Brown."
General- Corporal!, This is General Brown!"
Corporal- Sir, Yes Sir! Do you know who this is?"
General-No Corporal, I do not.
Corporal- Well bye bye Fat Ass.
Because if you can't laugh, then you cry and cry and wonder why. Happy Veterans Day to all who have served and sacrificed.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Dad Jokes
1. I have a fear of speed bumps.
I'm slowly getting over it.
2.
Dad: Be careful standing near those trees.
Daughter: Why? The sky is clear and there's no chance of lightning.
Dad: I don't know really. They just look kind of shady to me. 3.
Nurse: Do you smoke?
Dad: Only when I'm on fire.4. *Holding a stepladder*
This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.5.
Dad: If you're cold you should sit in the corner.
Me: Why?
Dad: Because it's 90 degrees!6. *Reversing the car*
Ahh, this takes me back. 7. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.8. *Dad finds a suitcase in the woods filled with three raccoons. He calls the police.*
Dispatcher: This is 911, how can I help you?
Dad: Hi, I just found a suitcase filled with three raccoons.
Dispatcher: That's awful. Are they moving?
Dad: No. That would explain the suitcase, though.9. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then I turned myself around. 10.
Me: I'll call you later.
Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.11. Grandad at my Grandma's funeral.
Me: Are you alright?
Grandad: No, I'm half left.12. What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Nobody nose. 13. *A bug hits the windshield while driving*
Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.14.
Dad: You know a train has been through here.
Me: How can you tell?
Dad: It left tracks.15. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.16.
Me: Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut.17. Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"18. Apparently, a man in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.19. *I'm whining about something *
Dad: Would you like a straw?
Me: Why?
Dad: So you can suck it up.20. Those are really special cows.
They're outstanding in their field.21. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
22. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.23.
Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Me: Soy milk.
Dad: Hola milk, soy padre.24. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.25. A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for lip balm.
Cashier: Certainly. Will you be paying for that with cash?
Duck: Can you put it on my bill?
I'm slowly getting over it.
2.
Dad: Be careful standing near those trees.
Daughter: Why? The sky is clear and there's no chance of lightning.
Dad: I don't know really. They just look kind of shady to me. 3.
Nurse: Do you smoke?
Dad: Only when I'm on fire.4. *Holding a stepladder*
This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.5.
Dad: If you're cold you should sit in the corner.
Me: Why?
Dad: Because it's 90 degrees!6. *Reversing the car*
Ahh, this takes me back. 7. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.8. *Dad finds a suitcase in the woods filled with three raccoons. He calls the police.*
Dispatcher: This is 911, how can I help you?
Dad: Hi, I just found a suitcase filled with three raccoons.
Dispatcher: That's awful. Are they moving?
Dad: No. That would explain the suitcase, though.9. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then I turned myself around. 10.
Me: I'll call you later.
Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.11. Grandad at my Grandma's funeral.
Me: Are you alright?
Grandad: No, I'm half left.12. What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Nobody nose. 13. *A bug hits the windshield while driving*
Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.14.
Dad: You know a train has been through here.
Me: How can you tell?
Dad: It left tracks.15. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.16.
Me: Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut.17. Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"18. Apparently, a man in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.19. *I'm whining about something *
Dad: Would you like a straw?
Me: Why?
Dad: So you can suck it up.20. Those are really special cows.
They're outstanding in their field.21. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
22. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.23.
Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Me: Soy milk.
Dad: Hola milk, soy padre.24. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.25. A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for lip balm.
Cashier: Certainly. Will you be paying for that with cash?
Duck: Can you put it on my bill?
Monday, November 2, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Slow Down!
Friday, October 30, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
Thursday, October 22, 2015
OH Bama!
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Go Bubba!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Friday, October 9, 2015
School Shootings Not Funny!
I have been thinking a lot about these SCHOOL shootings and find that School is the operative word here. These are not just school shootings, they are suicides with anger at the injustices that these people feel have been perpetrated on them by the school system and the pressures put on them to succeed. Children are pushed, shammed, and brow beaten. They rebel. They feel that they have no future. Remember when you were in school and it felt like your whole world We didn't have the experience to know that it is just a beginning to life, that it is not the only determining factor to a happy life.
So, teachers are mandatory reporters of child abuse and are on the front line of humanity everyday. These teachers should have a way to refer the troubled children they see in their classes to professionals who can connect with them and refer them to the help they need or at the very least listen to them and advise them. I think this would cost less than a campaign for gun control.
These incidences are occurring all to often and I think we must rethink the way children are treated in our society. They are people, with feelings that are tender and fragile. They can be hurt and can hurt back. It is time to find a way to teach children that they can be a success in life what ever route they take, that happiness can be achieved in any color collar you choose to where. And that not all people are intended for Ivy league colleges and you are not a looser if you don't go that route.
These are Suicides with Anger and it breaks my heart.
School is different these days than when most of us were in school. When the bell rings for my 5 year old grandson, all the children stop and put their hands on their heads like little convicts. Maybe they are just training them for the free labor force we call prison. It's a scary proposition. Love, Mrs. Mad
So, teachers are mandatory reporters of child abuse and are on the front line of humanity everyday. These teachers should have a way to refer the troubled children they see in their classes to professionals who can connect with them and refer them to the help they need or at the very least listen to them and advise them. I think this would cost less than a campaign for gun control.
These incidences are occurring all to often and I think we must rethink the way children are treated in our society. They are people, with feelings that are tender and fragile. They can be hurt and can hurt back. It is time to find a way to teach children that they can be a success in life what ever route they take, that happiness can be achieved in any color collar you choose to where. And that not all people are intended for Ivy league colleges and you are not a looser if you don't go that route.
These are Suicides with Anger and it breaks my heart.
School is different these days than when most of us were in school. When the bell rings for my 5 year old grandson, all the children stop and put their hands on their heads like little convicts. Maybe they are just training them for the free labor force we call prison. It's a scary proposition. Love, Mrs. Mad
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
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